My relationship with God, my eating disorders, self-harming etc...

jeudi 14 mai 2015

Dear reader,

I don't know if you remember my post about insecurity (click here), but today, I have to tell you the truth: I did not get out of my insecurity... It got worst with time. I developed an eating disorder (bulimia and attempt of anorexia) and, even worst, I self-harmed.  I had this kind of anxiety crises I talked about in the insecurity post. Every time I was around more than 2 people, I felt so bad and so insecure about myself, so I freaked out and sometimes I would just stand there, not talking at all, and sometimes I would run to the library and put myself into another character's life, in a book. I got worst and worst, but, of course, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want to admit the fact that I didn't like myself, that I didn't like the way I was. I didn't want to tell anyone that I got bullied for 10 years. So I hid.... as most people in that case do. And OMG this is such an enormous mistake. 

After a while, I told my two best friends, who encouraged me to tell my mother... Which I did. I'm going to admit it, this was so so so so so hard and it finished in tears and tears. After this, I started to get better... 
However one of my two best friends (I feel like it's okay to tell you this because I'm not naming names and you do not know this girl) told me about her own problems, similar but worst problems. To be honest with you, I think we made each other worst, but we didn't want to admit it. One day, it crashed. Everything got so bad, I had no one. I still had and have my other best friend, but when you are a "group" of 3 people, it's pretty hard to know how to deal with "Who am I gonna go with?".  So I was there, ALONE, with some girls I didn't know well, and who didn't seem like the two amazing girls i used to be with. I cried for an entire mouth because I felt like everything just felt on my back and worst even, I was and am still scared about my ex best friend and for a week or two I was so scared that she could make the biggest mistake in her life, ending it, I was shaking, I was freezing and I had nervous cough... Every single day I looked at her thinking about I "made her worst" and   I want to help her so much, I feel like everything is my fault, when it really isn't. She got quite rude to me but I still like her a lot, and every single day, I ask God to help her, to take care of her, and to make her understand that she is an amazing girl, with so many qualities. 

Moving on to where I am today... I got out of my eating disorder, I did not self harm since the incident with my ex-best-friend, I have a couple of friends, not best friends like before, but friends i can hang out with during breaks, I feel happier, I may or may not have a boyfriend haha (do not ask any question about that please, I do not want to share that part of my life), and I have learnt to love someone who loves us like no one else... God. I used to doubt God, and I thought it was absurd: "How could God give me such a "hard" life?", but I have learnt so much about him, and he helped me so much with my problems. I met some amazing, inspiring people at my church, and one of them told me: "In life, God gives you challenges. It's not to make you feel sad or depressed, but to make you into a better and stronger person". I cannot oblige you to believe this, because yes, it is pretty hard for me to believe that people in war are, only, having some challenges, but for small problems like bullying and all of that... This is so true! God loves us all, he wouldn't want to hurt us and to make us do things like I did. God is always with you, everywhere you go, and he is the only one who will always listen to you, whenever you want to talk to him. 
"You may feel lost and alone, but God knows exactly where you are, and he has a good plan fo your life."

Your relationship with God starts with your actions... You can't go to church every Sunday, pray every day, if you go around judging and bullying people, not helping anyone. Being kind, smiling to people, helping people in need, is so little but so much too. I cannot tell you how important it is to be kind, to smile and to help. You can't expect to be loved if you do not love, yourself. Sometimes people might not respond to this kindness, but it's not a reason to change yourself. God told us to "love our ennemies", and I agree with him. By loving your ennemies, praying for them, you make both of you into better person. Praying for someone who is rude to you, will bring him luck and will make him/her into a better person, even if he/she doesn't believe in God. 
"Disappointments are just God's way of saying, I've got something better, be patient, live life..."

Your relationship with God, also, begins by thanking him for everything you are grateful for. You might go trough hard times in your life, but you are soooooooo lucky compared to other people's life. Thank god for giving you a life, for loving you, for welcoming you in his heart, for having a roof, for having water and food supply, for living in a peaceful country, for anything you are thankful for.  Getting bullied is such a "lucky" thing in a way. You can't tell me you would rather live in a country which is in war, with horrible things happening every single day, just next you, than being bullied at school or work. 
"God gave you a gift of 86, 400 seconds today. Have you used one to say Thank You?"

Everyone has the time to thank God, to ask God for help, to talk to God, just to pray. You can have a prayer journal where you put 10 things you thank God for each day. You can pray in your bed before sleeping, you can pray in the bus, in the train... ANYWHERE. 
Try to find one moment of happiness in each single day... Force yourself to smile 10sec per day, and it will come naturally with time. 
"God won't put you to it if he can't get you through it."

God loves us all, and we should be so thankful for having a life like ours. Getting to know God will help you in your life, trust me. I didn't need a therapist, I just needed a big talk with someone who I can trust like no one else. I thanked God, I sent my love to my enemies, and here I am today, talking to you about the past, no the present. Everyone makes mistakes in their life, we learn from them, so do not worry about them, it will get better in a way or another. 

"No one makes a lock without a key. That's why God won't give you problems, without solutions."

 Please comment or contact me if you want to talk to me about something that makes you sad at the moment, and I'll be really happy to pray for you. 

Doriane xxx
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